Sunday, March 26, 2006
The sudden jolt - the realisation.
I felt the need to vent the intense amount of sickening bunch of unsightly shit all gathered in my head...
Just jolted awake suddenly. just felt that im not doing wad i have interest at all. i feel like its holiday now because everytime i attempt to do anything related to IT i will just feel like dragging it on and on pretending that im doing but if theres something else to do i will just drop it and run off. I can do marketing plans, i can do powerpoint slides related to business. I feel the urge i feel the joy and the immense importance in them. i just dun feel anything for computers - be it in programming, be it in maths. i tried to recall why i chose computing as my first choice. its a bad mistake. it was all the desperation needed to be in a local uni that made me choose wad i thought and assume i did best in. why didn't i consider interest in my factor?
i looked at frens especially diane and tracy who are pursuing courses that are what they always wanted to do. they realised their mistake earlier than i did- learning is not all on trying your best. though hard work plays a tiny effort, but gee how much r u willing u put in when u especially hate this subject now? i abhore u operating systems. i abhore the fact that i have to copy and beg tutorial answers from people every wk, i hate to pretend that i am able to do the assignment or even try the darnest best to listen to a lecturer yabbering ingenious facts abt making multiple processes, page systems. i dun hate wad the school has did. i hate wad i am going through.
2 semesters and 5 assignments and 5 exams to go reggie. im getting out of this mental torture before i snap and i might just ask for a withdrawl out of sch.
dun push me.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Best film I've seen in 2006
I watched Brokeback Mountain like finally on last friday. Albeit the fact that all i knew was its a love story between two men, I was quite worried that I wouldn't be able to get in since i look too bloody young in a short mini and white top. wahaha but paul that old man managed to buy the tickets, and we got in luckily. maybe i do look 21 afterall. hmm... thing is, i din cheat them wad, i am gonna be 21 this year!
woah, the price of the ticket was worth very shot i see in the movie. Not only should this film win the best picture, they deserve the best actor for Health Ledger. He portrayed himself as a compelling man with love being shred in his heart as though he could control his emotions for a gay partner so well. it was a rather sad movie lah. felt like crying at some point but alamak, it just didn't make sense for me to feel sorry for gay partners. at that point in time, i wished i could understand why people wanted to be gays, yet at the same time, i believe its a natural ability to know wad ur sexuality is. i love the scenes shot with 1000 bunch of sheeps walking on the green meadows, the twinkling sight of water in the streams, the nice blue clouds and the wonderful sex scenes done by two heterosexual men. it was so real, so natural that i couldn't feel that any part of it was disgusting at all. tagline of the movie was as apt as it is: Love is the force of nature.
well, go catch it if u are old enuf, don't sae i can get in others canot ah. im not responsible for u not 21 year olds canot get in kind ah. hahaha next movie to catch is transamerica! also an R21 show. such shows are like so award winning, yet such a pity not to share it with young people. i mean, their minds are like so much more mature for it lor. i tink m18 shuld be ok lah. the nudity scenes were not very groseteque to the point where u see 2 boobs and penises for a very long long while. so... asian directors are quite open minded afterall! art... has no boundaries man.
"Tell you what, we coulda had a good life together! Fuckin' real good life! Had us a place of our own. But you didn't want it, Ennis! So what we got now is Brokeback Mountain! Everything's built on that! That's all we got, boy, fuckin' all. So I hope you know that, even if you don't never know the rest! You count the damn few times we have been together in nearly twenty years and you measure the short fucking leash you keep me on - and then you ask me about Mexico and tell me you'll kill me for needing somethin' I don't hardly never get. You have no idea how bad it gets! I'm not you... I can't make it on a coupla high-altitude fucks once or twice a year! You are too much for me Ennis, you sonofawhoreson bitch! I wish I could quit you."
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Weird dream and decisions to be made
I dreamt that I had a baby
then i went to do situps, and run/sprint on the track.
then moments later, my period came,
and my baby is gone.
hahaha
I dreamt that I see my best fren in labour before
gee, she doesn't even haf a boyfriend.
im so weird, even my dreams got people i've nv seen in my life appearing in them
ever since my mid terms, i got addicted to watching anime online. gee, i used to condemn anime lor. well, when im so bored, and freakin nothin to imagine to do, i just on the god damn computer and watch romantic anime.
I've been in a dilemma, but the truth is quite obvious, its just a matter of whether i can accept that awful ugly truth. the fact tat im not performing well in sch as i expected, even not performing to the "ok" standard makes it obvious that i've to finish up uni as fast as possible- meaning my 3 year degree shuld suffice my time there. many ppl esp seniors and frens haf been giving advice that even a 3rd class honours degree is not even any better than a 3 year degree. save my folks' money and go into the workforce ba? i believe when i work i shuld be more happi and relaxed... god... i canot face studying and aiming for borderline passes... that's really pointless... the interest is there, but the understanding of wad is taught in sch is baffling me. its fated because my genes aint intelligent. to be able to graduate frm uni is considered a fortune to me already. my family haf no comments abt this issue.
sad thing is, i'll be working while paul will be mugging in sch for 3 whole years..
so sad, no more chances to be in the same sch since sec sch days... sigh.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
An eventful 1st of March
Yesterday was supposed to be my last paper for mid-terms. Was so looking forward to celebrating the start of freedom and the first sight of town after 2 weeks of torture (god has it been that long?!)...
Unfortunately the period had to strike on me. The cramps set in at 3pm when I'm supposed to have my test at 415! argh!
Was whimpering at the door to my dad as I thought I rest awhile in his car will be better lor. But didn't get any better lor. In fact, it got so bad that beads of sweat were forming on my head even when the aircon was switched on, my face was the shade of a white piece of Double A paper man.
I suggested to dad to take me to a clinic as soon as possible as when i called my friends they told me there was no re-test for this paper. Even so, I should get a MC hopefully when I meet that lecturer he will let me take re-test cos the hell i can't be faking this up rite? haiz. to the nearest clinic and the doc gave me a jab to ease the pain within 15 mins, the pain subsided alot. and yeah, 3 types of painkillers to take oso helped lah. So i was able to do my test, but u noe, when i pain rite, everythin i study all disappeared alr lor. so was quite disappointed at myself cos the paper sure can score if i got study harder and manage to understand some concepts that till now i still canot manage to get it.
I realised that whatever happens in life... even failing your studies is not the last thing that will form "tragedy" or "so-gonna-die" in my head. I've seen examples of people who doesn't give up even though they will take a longer route to achieve their goals. I guess I'm one of those people, not hardworking enough, not intelligent enough, and so I'll take an extra mile to get my degree. What's most important to me is the health of my loved ones and me, even without your life you can't complete your studies rite? U might be sniggering at the fact that I might say it easy but my heart sure cannot take it if i failed in wad i expect to succeed when others can do it. After the eventful episode yesterdae, i realise that my dad really cares deeply for me, played his role as a Daddy for the first time, which I seem to take everything for granted in the past.
Yeap, that's all I wish to say. Love family and Love thyself. Nothing else matters more than these in a simple girl's mind.
6:29 PM